Top 10 Mostly Useless Tips for Groundwater Sampling Technicians

  

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To my field technician friends:

I have created this somewhat (but not really) informative, completely non-technical, and, well, pretty much useless list for you to apply to your own field efforts.  Please be aware that these were created based off experiences that most certainly NEVER happened to me, but rather to my real field partner who no longer works for the company. 

1. While performing groundwater sampling at a former landfill turned golf course, consider upgrading your personal protective equipment to include full body armor.
2. While it’s very important to secure your equipment trailers with a heavy duty anti-theft tire wheel clamp lock each night, it’s also very important to remember to take the damn thing off when you pull out of the hotel parking lot at 6 am the next morning. 
3. You know that saying “there are no stupid questions?”  Pretty sure that the folks that come up to technicians sampling monitoring wells and ask, “Hey – are you fishin’?  Are you sellin’ shrimp?  Caught anything yet?” formed a committee and made that up.  (Ok, so this wasn’t really a tip.  Here you go: Sell frozen shrimp from a sample cooler while waiting for your well to stabilize.  Might as well multi-task.)
4. When trying to determine if an unlabeled sample bottle has preservative in it or not, do not stick your face directly over the bottle’s opening to look.  You are much too young to need glass eyeballs, self-drawn eyebrows, and nose hair transplants.
5. Running back and forth and screaming like a 5-year-old girl is not an effective way to remove fire ants from your body.
6. No steps for the “Straw Method” for the collection of volatile organic compound samples include putting your mouth on your tubing.
7. Dealing with various preservatives like HCL and HNO₃ all day, in addition to carrying around car batteries for pumps, bring new meaning to the term “Acid Washed Jeans.”  Wear them proudly, my friends.
8. Do not sample near ponds during alligator breeding season in Florida.
9. Do not sample near ponds during non-alligator breeding season in Florida. 
10. Just stay the hell away from ponds, ‘kay?